Exactly a year ago today at 10:00 am Jason went to the airport to pick up our sweet Ashley and then we became a family of four. If you are thinking that sounds surreal, you are right it does! But that’s our life. What a journey we have been on this past year. As prepared as we thought we were for Ashley (mentally and emotionally) we were not at all, nor was she. Jason and I had just begun discussing the idea of a second child and that we were at least one year away when we got the call about Ashley. Our foster license had just expired as did all of our PRIDE training. We had four weeks to get re-licensed, have a baby shower, build a nursery and prepare Addison and ourselves for a new little life in our house. I blinked and the four weeks was up! There I was standing in my kitchen with a new baby while my best friend Holly and my team were setting up my classroom so I could bond with our new baby. Wow! My head was spinning!
After the excitement wore off and we began to settle into our everyday routine is when the cracks in our new family began to show. We struggled to bond with Ashley as she did with us. She often stayed in her little shell most days sucking on her fingers and staring off into space. I personally thought something was wrong developmentally with her and immediately began asking my pediatrician for help. He checked her out and while she was behind some, she was a healthy average baby girl. Then what was the problem!! We struggled to get smiles and laughter! Honestly I was devastated and heartbroken. Due to our infertility and adoption situation, once again, I felt alone and that I had no one to talk to about it. Jason and I talked about our bonding issues day and night with one another but we struggled to deal with it. We tried talking to family and friends about it but I don’t feel like anyone really could comprehend what we were going through emotionally. It was especially difficult for me as Holly’s baby, Ruby Shayne, who is only a week older than Ashley and was a constant light of joy. Always happy, smiling and worshiped her Momma like all babies should do. I tried not to compare but seeing the babies together was hard for me quite often. I did not understand why this little girl really wanted nothing to do with me. All I could do was cry…often.
I prayed, read books, and prayed some more and nothing. Bonding is an expected issue with adoption. We had taken classes and felt like we were prepared as we went through it with Addison (for a week). It was now Christmas (four months later) and I felt like we had made small strides but really nothing had changed.
FINALLY, finally after the New Year things began to change for us. My sweet Lee-Lee emerged from her shell and began to open up. She laughed and played with her sister. She loved to be held and cuddled with and often gave kisses and hugs. Ashley became a happy, silly, and full of life baby!
My heart feels so complete when that brown eyed little girl calls my name or gives me a kiss. I love that she tries to say, “love you” when we say it to her. She is a ray of sunshine that loves to bob her head, shake her shoulder and dance around the living room when the music is on. She is also shy, tender hearted and loves her Hunter dog. I am most thankful that she knows that I am her Momma and that our love is unconditional.
We could not be more over joyed! Although it was a long and difficult journey, we would not be as strong of family today if we had not gone through the good, the bad and the ugly. Thankfully we emerged as one big happy family. I thank God daily for my two precious gifts he blessed Jason and I with. And I wouldn’t change our path that has brought us to where we are today. Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” What a difference a year makes!
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