I do not watch a lot of reality TV shows but I do watch a few and one of my favorites is
Giuliana & Bill on the Style Network. If you are not a fan of the show, G&B are going through IVF treatments this season. As I have watched these past couple of weeks I have been flooded with memories and emotions regarding our infertility process. It was 7 years ago that we started trying to get pregnant without success. I remember feeling so overwhelmed in the beginning seeing all of the different doctors who could not explain why we could not get pregnant. After months of unsuccessfully trying we finally made the decision to try In Vitro Fertilization. IVF was our faith, hope and miracle all rolled into one. Looking back we were so hopeful…and so naive at that time. IVF was probably the best and worst time of mine and our lives.
It was the best time because Jason and I became so close during that time. We had each other and our faith to get us through and hopefully conceive. I am so thankful for Jason during that time. He gave me my shots (4 daily) and put up with me and the HORRIBLE emotional roller coaster I was on. He held me every breakdown I had and made me feel that no matter what the outcome was, he always loved me and it would be fine even if it was just me and him forever. He is my rock, best friend and biggest supporter. I love him more than words (cue song)…
It was the worst time as well. IVF is not easy, physically and emotionally. By the time we reached IVF I had been on infertility drugs for over a year. Emotionally I was a wreck. I had been on drugs to produce lots and lots of eggs and then put into menopause several times which meant my hormones were everywhere. Think of your worst day of PMS and multiply it times 100. I also felt completely alone during this time. While friends tried to relate they simply could not. It was extremely hard not having anyone to talk too. Most if not all of our friends during that time could look at each other and get pregnant. I never had sad feelings or jealousy about friends getting pregnant (babies are pure JOY) mainly I just didn’t understand what we were doing wrong. I feel like my birthright as a woman to have a child was taken away from me without any asking. My Cinderella story was not having a happy ending. No one ever tells you as a young woman; by the way you may not be able to have kids. I was personally devastated and it took me several months to come to peace with that and a really great husband to support me.
Physically the shots were the worst; simply for the fact that after weeks there was no place I was sore. Rotating 4 shots daily between hips, arms, stomach and butt is simply not cool. And the fact I was having blood drawn every couple of days did not help matters.
I will never forget the day I found out I was not pregnant after our IVF treatment. We were so sure that we were pregnant. I was only 26 at the time and had “perfect textbook” embryos implanted inside of me. My doctor was confident and was so excited to see me on blood draw day to see if I was pregnant. I can tell you exactly what I was wearing that day and emotionally I was beaming with excitement inside. I remember they took my blood and asked me if I felt pregnant. My answer was I don’t know and I didn’t feel any different after all it had only been 7 days since the embryos were implanted. That should have been my first clue…I went to school that morning placing my cell phone on my desk waiting for the phone call from the doctor. I waited and waited…nothing. Then I remember seeing Jason walk up the ramp to my portable and I knew. My heart sank and I just cried. The ladies at school were great. They immediately took my kids and we went straight to the doctor’s office. No explanation, no answers, no baby.
There has never been an explanation of why we cannot get pregnant. We are both healthy but it was not meant to be for us. Do I feel like I missed out on something? Yes and No. Yes I would love to have felt a baby inside of me. I am thankful for my best friend and her letting me have my hands on her stomach all the time when she was pregnant. I got to experience some of it through her.
No I do not feel like I am missing something for these reasons:
God had a plan all along that I was supposed to be their mom. And I am thankful for His plan.
“For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him.”
1 Samuel 1:27
I applaud Giuliana & Bill for going through this process on TV and bringing infertility into the media. They have helped take the stigma away and bring awareness for a lot of woman.
